Wardrobe Malfunctions: The Chicken Cutlet
What is a chicken cutlet? Allow me to elucidate. The chicken cutlet is a common term for the silicone bra insert that creates the illusion of lifted and larger breasts. This wardrobe wonder inherited its fun nickname because it does in fact look like a chicken cutlet.
These little squishy dew drops are useful – yet deceiving – magical beasts that dangle a whole world of wardrobe possibilities in front of you. However, this wardrobe hack can also be a cruel mistress indeed. They are supposed to be the next best thing to SPANX, but are they really?
We’ve all been there. The outfit is great. You have decided to be a little daring, so the cut of the dress is a no-bra situation, but that is okay. We have our chicken cutlets on today. Yeah, buddy. How you doing?! Lady, you are FEELING the moment. You get where you are going. Then, you catch someone eyeing you in what you think is an appreciative way. Your inner Joan Rivers sings, “Nailed it, Darling!” You immediately get a little giddy-up in your step. Yes mama!
Then, it happens. You walk by a mirror and notice, one of your meant-to-be-camouflage heroes has made a cameo and you practically have a third breast. You instantly freeze.
Now, have you ever had that cold, yet somehow extremely hot, feeling that starts from your scalp and goes all the way to your toes? The entire entrance you made replays in your mind. Your eyes flare slightly. A practical barrage of questions races through your mind and you somehow turn into a detective. This all happens in a matter of what you think is seconds but has now extended into minutes.
You, by the way have turned into a statue in front of a mirror. Yes, people are looking. It begins: Who saw? What did the manager mean when she said, “Welcome?” Did the sitter see this? I can’t look her in eyes again. Oh no, now she thinks I have a third eye! Wait, did I meditate today? DID MY DATE SEE THIS? Oh dear, the valet saw. Who am I? Can my kid feel my armpits sweating? Must. Grab. All. Phones.
Now that I have painted a lovely image of every woman’s wardrobe nightmare, I can tell you with unabashed honesty, this was me. Yes, totally and 100% true. I was at a gala and I thought I was going to melt into puddle.
Now listen, I am ALL about the tips and tricks, but sometimes the inevitable happens and we must learn to laugh. When I tell you that I power walked to the powder room and held my breast like I was praying, I am not lying. I had to look simply mad.
I sat in the Ritz Carlton bathroom staring at myself, seriously attempting to summon my Batman powers to sca-doo out of there. However, I realized that it was truly funny. I was holding two chicken cutlets in my hands, and I just burst into rolling laughter.
Imagine being the ladies walking in to freshen up and seeing me. Seriously, let your mind create that image. That is not something you see every day. Then it hit me. I could choose to be powerful and just walk out like nothing happened or hide away and let a perfectly fabulous outfit go to waste.
So, I marched out and had a marvelous time. I did have a friend come up and say something, but we both had a fantastic laugh and she confessed a hilarious story of her own. Not to mention, I bet there was more than one lovely lady in attendance that had chicken cutlets on, too – and after seeing me, they probably found some double-sided tape ASAP!
So you see, LUXYMOMs®, even under the glittering lights of the Ritz Carlton we can still have drama, mamas!